Ten Things I've Learned Since Becoming A Mommy.

So this is the first post of a four part series that will be written over the course of the next month. There will be a few different points of views regarding ten things learned since becoming a parent. The views will come from myself, a dad, and two different step parents. I’m sure you’ll agree with most, if not all, of what’s written.

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I’ve been taking care of kids since I was 9. I was always the first any of the neighborhood moms went to when they needed a sitter and made a good buck doing it. So naturally when I got pregnant, I was all “Pffft, I’ve so got this.” But guess what? I. was. wrong.

So here it is:

Ten Things I’ve Learned Since Becoming a Mommy.

Adorable Ball of Gross

(Photo credit: thatblueyak.blogspot.com)

10. Babies are adorable little balls of gross. And the reason they are adorable is nature’s way of preventing you from dumping them off somewhere because of the gross. They barf all the time, they’re farts are always loud and happen at the most inappropriate times, and they poop in their pants (if you’re lucky). The they turn into toddlers, who are equally gross. Because even though they don’t barf on the regular anymore, now they’re constantly putting nasty things in their mouths. Which is likely to make you barf. Toddlers are also almost always sticky. It’s best not to ask why. And don’t ever tell them to wash up on their own because one of two things will happen, 1) they will pull out every baby wipe in the little box and throw them all over the floor or 2) they will use toilet water. Without soap.

This is not picking your battles.

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9. You know that saying “Pick your battles”? Yeah that never holds truer than it does with children. You will find yourself going back on almost every “I’ll never do that when I have kids” that you ever said before you got impregnated. Do you think my former childless self would ever imagine that she would gladly chase a toddler with a broom to clean up her crumbs because she refuses to eat her snack in the booster seat? No. She would laugh in my face like a obviously crazy person that I have become. There are certain situations where you just have to let the little hooligans win. It does not mean you are less-than as a mother. It means that you value your sanity. Or what you have left of it. And when you meet the other mom that scoffs and tells you how terrible it is that you are giving in to your screaming toddler’s hissy fit, and you will meet a few, take a moment to smile politely while you flip her the bird.

8. Babies need stuff. Lots of stuff. I thought I had an idea of what they need since I’ve been baby sitting/nannying for almost twenty years now. But I was wrong. Were

You only need 3/4 of what’s in here.

(Photo credit: milfordct.newenglandsite.com)

those people who’s kids I watched hiding all this crap or something? There’s a reason Babies R Us is so massive. And then, just when you think you can start giving away some of this crap and freeing up some space in your home… They need different crap. Ride on things, push toys, musical instruments, learning tables… So. Much. Stuff. Once you have children, you should pretty much expect to never have a decluttered home again. There are not enough Ikea shelving systems in the world to house all this crap.


7. With children come trust issues. You birth this baby and suddenly you’re suspicious of everyone. Is that weird guy across the street a pedophile? Before kids, he was just sort of strange. Now you’re wondering if he’s got the body of every missing kid in history burried under his back patio. The lady who comments on your adorable baby in the check out line? You now wonder if she’s going to follow you outside, knock you out with her giant Coach bag, steel your baby and run over your groceries on the way out of the parking lot

Creeper.

(Photo credit: jennleiser.blogspot.com)

Adding to this, your brain will be able to conjure up some of the most jacked situations ever. Ask a man how many ways a baby could become seriously hurt by the things in your home and he’ll state the obvious. Ask a mother and she’ll completely trump him. When my son was born and I went back to work, I was so concerned about stepping through his eye socket with my heels that I refused to wear them in the house. You will be horrified by what goes on in your head when you’re not taking care of that baby.

6. You can no longer be described as cute. Unless stretchy pants, over sized t shirts and a perpetual pony tail are cute. Which they are not. Your husband will still say you’re hot. He has too. Or else he gets no grown up fun time. Plus, he presumably loves you and doesn’t really care what you look like as long as you keep up with personal hygiene (except for those fist six moths of motherhood. No one is required to remember to bathe every day when you’re trying to figure out how the heck you’re supposed to take care of a tiny grunting being. Just make sure you brush your teeth every day and you’re solid.)

5. Boogers are a food group. And snot is the side dish. It’s disgusting and repulsive and a bunch of other words to describe icky things. But kids still do it. Why? I feed you. I even feed you food that you like to eat. Nothing that comes from your nose, or any oraphice for that matter, will taste better than this chicken, rice and veggies. So why?!

Children, please stop doing this. Signed, every parent in the whole history of ever.

(Photo credit: agefotostock.com)

This actually happens.

(Photo credit: everydayadventure11.blogspot.com)

4. Kids create laundry like rodents create baby rodents. It just multiplies over and over and over. And it’s a huge pain in the arse to fold because its so small. I cannot wait until my kids are old enough to put away their own laundry. I may make them put mine away as pay back for the years of putting theirs away.

Torture device?

(Photo credit: babyage.com)

3. What you see as a safety device to protect your precious cargo, said precious cargo sees as a torture chair. What is this aversion to carseats? Being honest here, they look super comfy. And you don’t even have to do the work. I’m the one that buckles you in. And furthermore, I’m the one that installs that bulky piece of… Okay, you might have a point with this one. I don’t care. I’m still buckling you in.

This super sucks.

(Photo credit: pursuitofyourboyfriend.com)

2. You will lose friends. Sad, but true. Even more so as a young mother. I had my first when I was 22, and you wouldn’t believe how quickly my number of friends diminished. Most, if not all, of your friends without kids just don’t get it and aren’t interested in trying to. A few really good ones will stay, but for a while there you’ll be lonelier than a man at a bridal shower. I had no one to relate too. My best advice for this: as soon as your flower is all pollinated, join an online mommy group for your due month. Trust me, they will talk you off the proverbial mommy edge and remind you that you are, in fact a real person and not just a walking spit up rag.

1. You could probably guess this one but, with motherhood came an indescribable love. The amount is unfathomable. You won’t understand how your whole body doesn’t turn into one giant heart, because yours swells so big.

The second my son crowned, I started crying. Which makes pushing really difficult, just so you know. From that moment, I cried for forty-five minutes. And I had only pushed for a few more minutes after the crowning, so a lot of that was just looking at him with tears streaming down my face.

And it won’t matter how ugly your newborn is (face it, they all sort of look like Winston Churchill at birth) you will think he or she is perfect. No one will ever be more perfect than this tiny human. Ever. And no one will ever be good enough because they are not perfect an your baby is. You will want to put them back in, much like a marsupial, just to ensure they are safe and fed and warm and never have to feel heartache.

And then comes the fear. The all encompassing “What the eff have I done? Can I do this? How do I do this? Where is the owners manual? Can I return him/her if something goes wrong? What if I break it?” But you have those fears because of the love. You’ve loved a younger sibling or a niece or nephew. But that is mere pennies compared to what you will feel at the birth of your own tiny person.

You won’t always look so adoringly at them (see above), but nothing will ever make that love waiver. It’s there forever, much like your poochy belly and stretch marks. So embrace it. Remind your babies just how much they mean to you and be there for everything you can. Because just one baby makes up for at least a dozen lost friends.

~Dee