Today was the typical Monday morning rush. We woke up a bit late (although not too late) and I didn’t get to sit down for a second. No big deal though, I’m fairly used to it. I didn’t have any gasket-blowing issues (well, almost, when Monster was refusing a jacket because “I wike duh cold, Mommy!”) and I didn’t even seem to mind that we were leaving late.
We were driving on the interstate when it happened though. I was almost to the exit I take to get to the school when a car from each lane on either side of me came over. No blinkers, no warning, no nothing. They just came over and almost collided. And then they just stopped. And I had been going 65 mph. Because it’s the highway. It all happened so fast. I don’t think I could’ve slammed on my breaks any harder without breaking the pedal off.
You know how people say that your entire life flashes before your eyes when you think you’re going to die or whatever? Those people must not have kids. Because I honest-to-goodness thought there was going to be a massive accident. And with me slowing down from 65, I don’t know if I would’ve survived it. But that thought didn’t even cross my mind until later. My first thought? “OHMYGAWDNOTMYKIDS!” As fast as it all happened, I had a second to think “Maybe me and the whole front end of the car will absorb the impact to keep it from them.”
That was it. Just keep my kids safe. It’s all I wanted.
Once the adrenaline wore off (which took some time, mind you) I realized that my kids hadn’t the slightest clue of my panic. They were fine. Monster was staring out the window and Roo was kicking her little mirror thing, laughing at herself. What had seemed like the biggest deal ever to me, they were completely oblivious to. And I am so eternally grateful for that. I had never been so close to having an accident. Ever. It was horrifying. And my babies didn’t feel an ounce of fear. Thank God.
But then I got to thinking, was that normal? For me to be so consumed with fear for my children that I was willing to be completely crushed with no chance of survival if it took the impact from them? I’m pretty sure I know that the answer any good mother would give is a resounding “yes”.
And then I wonder, how many women have actually done that? Sacrificed themselves for their babies. It’s morbid, and I know this… but I have to feel honored to be a part of Motherhood club, knowing that any of my fellow club members have so selflessly done so.
And my last thought? My own mother. I know that growing up, she would’ve done the same. She would’ve put herself in harms way to keep my siblings and I away from it. But does me being an adult now, with my own children change anything? I doubt it. From talks with my amazing mother-in-law (and no, that’s not sarcasm. I won the damn in-laws lottery when I married Jeep Man) I know that this is not the case. To this day, she would lay her life on the line for her grown-up babies. Never mind the fact that both are much bigger than she is. Never mind the fact that both have spouses and children of their own. None of that matters because they are her babies.
For a fleeting moment I wondered if either car in front of me had children in it. Were the drivers someone’s parent? Were they having the panic attack I was at the almost-accident? I have absolutely no doubts that it would’ve been near-fatal at the very least. Were they thinking the same thing? Are they at home or work right this second thinking about what could’ve turned a typical rushed Monday into tragedy?
I’ll never know. And even though I was thinking it, I don’t really care. Why? Because my babies are safe. My cojones as a mother were tested. I was ready to put it all out there for them. So no, I don’t believe your life flashes before your eyes when you’re staring death in the face. And honestly? I’d rather my last thought be of my beautiful babies than of my entire life any-damn-way. Because they are amazing. They are sunshine in the fall. They are beaches and rain forests. They are waterfalls and lagoons. They are the stars and full moon on a clear night. They are the sunrise and the sunset.
They are everything beautiful that ever existed.
~Dee
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