Let me start by saying that I know my son is… Unique. I am not unaware of this and you attempting to bring it to my attention is just making you look like an ass.
Monster has severe ADHD. I was never surprised by this. Jeep Man has it pretty bad, and not only do I have ADD (not the H part) but I am also dyslexic and have dyscalculia. You don’t mix those things and expect to have perfectly “normal” children. He may or may not have some other issues going on, we’re still working on figuring all of that out.
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| This chart is based on research showing how ADHD is often linked to other disorders from 1998. (photo credit: hms.harvard.edu) |
Here’s the thing, I can take a sympathetic smile when my son literally cannot sit still in a restaurant. I can handle people politely asking him to lower his voice because he doesn’t realize that he’s now shouting. I can even handle someone pointing out that my kid might be climbing the shelves at the hardware store.
What I cannot handle, at all, are people who think that because their neighbor’s sister’s cousin has it, they are an expert. Sure, some of these people are very well intended. But most are just snobbish dillholes who make my eye get all twitchy. So here are some facts, so that the next time you encounter a family that’s dealing with this, you can either shut the Hades up or have some actual information on it.
- ADHD does not mean that my son is undisciplined. It does not mean that I cannot “control” him, nor does it mean that he needs stricter discipline. So what does it mean?
It means that he has a massive case of ants in his pants on a regular basis. It means that he hyperfocuses on things to the point that he completely disengages from the rest of the world. He is not ignoring anyone on purpose. This hyperfocus thing cannot be helped, and he has no idea that he is doing it.
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| These are scans of ADHD and non ADHD brains. |
It also means that he cannot focus on certain tasks unless he has some way to channel the excess. He needs fidgets. Yes, NEEDS. When he can put that excess energy into something else, he is actually able to focus on what he is supposed to be doing.
- ADHD does not mean that he “doesn’t get” what you’re explaining to him. He is extremely smart, it’s just that he probably already knows what you’re trying to say so he has already moved on. Or, he can take what you’ve already told him and predict the rest of it. So he moves on.
It’s not impatience nor it is making assumptions. He can literally connect the dots before you can even finish drawing the dots.
- He cannot just calm down at the drop of a hat. He has to slowly work himself down. So stop telling to calm down. If he needs to chill out, pull him aside and help work him down. (To be honest, our entire family is guilty of this, myself included. The difference is we aren’t jerks about it)
- He is not making those noises on purpose. He doesn’t even realize he’s mumbling/humming/babbling. He just is and that’s okay. If he needs to be quiet for whatever reason, then get his attention and ask him to stop. That’s when he realizes he’s been making any sort of noise.
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| A recent (2011) comorbidity chart. (photo credit:namingandtreating.com) |
- He does not have those outbursts/melt downs on purpose. So please don’t get angry. It’s not hard to talk him through it.
- Sensory issues are a part of ADHD. If he’s telling you that something is too loud and it hurts, do not tell him that it can’t hurt because he squeals louder than that when he’s playing. Do not say “But it’s just a vacuum”. He’s well aware of what it is, and you saying that is discrediting his feelings AND implying that he’s stupid.
If he is sucking on his shirt, he will probably tell you he doesn’t know why he’s doing it or that it tastes good. The truth that he can’t seem to put into words is that he craves oral stimulation. Chewing and sucking relieve that. Sometimes he does it because he’s anxious and it calms him down.
Please take him seriously when he tells you that his socks aren’t right, or something on his neck is bothering him or something feels “pokey”. As I said before, sensory issues are a part of ADHD. If he doesn’t voice what’s bothering him and you don’t try to fix it, he will have a melt down or an outburst. And that will be YOUR fault.
- Do not assume that he’s medicated. There are therapies and techniques that we are trying before we go that route. We know that one day it will probably be inevitable, but today is not that day. Jeep Man handles his ADHD just fine without meds. I, however, do not handle my ADD without them.
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| We are not currently doing this. Stop asking. (photo credit: saturdayeveningpost.com) |
I become irritable and easily frustrated, I forget EVERYTHING, nothing ever gets done and I have outbursts of my own. My meds help me take care of that, for the most part. Without them, I feel so completely out of control. Not having any control of your thoughts and emotions is a very scary thing. Because unlike some mental illnesses that cause that, I’m aware of the fact that I can’t control anything.
And also, the meds won’t help with his sensory stuff. So don’t even go there.
- Lastly, he doesn’t know that he has ADHD. We’ve decided not to tell him until he can understand what that means. What he does know is that his mind works faster than most as well as differently. He knows that his parents have “funny brains” too and I think that makes him feel more comfortable about his.
He tries to explain how he thinks at times or why he’s not understanding something, but he becomes frustrated and has a meltdown. The whole point in the therapies is to avoid that. So if he can’t tell you why, then don’t push him.
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I think he needs this shirt. (photo credit: adhdtexas.com) |
There’s a crap ton more to go along with these, but to be quite honest my eye is getting twitchy at the thought of all the nit wits out there and their crappy assumptions about how Monster’s brain functions. So I’m gonna go sweep. Or organize my ribbon box. Or restack the kids’ books. Or clean out my purse. Or some other repetitive task. Because I have ADD and that’s what calms me down.
~Dee
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