Too Many Things.

Some days, I wake up and there’s just too. many. things.

Today is one of those days. There is laundry everywhere because yesterday it just didn’t get done, there are dishes, there are jars of beef soup that Jeep Man made and canned exploding in my cabinet (I swear this is happening), there is animal hair and outside-y type crap all over my floors, there are toys (good LORD there are toys), my craft table is still in shambles and I’ve got other things I need to do.

My house is too small for this nonsense. What on Earth happens in my house that creates this? I get the toys. I have small children. They make messes. I also get the laundry, because once again I have small children. Who turn clothes into messes.

But what is going on with the rest of these things? Like the exploding jars. Really? What. The. Ferk.

I think I’d be better off with this nonsense if I wasn’t having one of those days. I’m not talking a bad day in general or “I don’t feel good.” I’m talking the days that some people just don’t have. The days where you feel completely worthless as a person.

It’s like you get up one day and suddenly all you see is negative. It’s not rose-colored glasses, it’s crap colored glasses. Everything is negative. “Oh, the laundry didn’t get done yesterday. I must be a horrible mother and house wife.” Well… no. You aren’t a horrible anything. Slow, maybe. I know I am. But not horrible. I may be horrible for other things though. And the list forms in my head before I can take a moment to stop it and the next thing I know, I’m looking at myself in the mirror with wide, tear filled eyes thinking “Why is Jeep Man even here?”

I can’t tell you why he’s still here. He says it’s love. I love that answer. But the obnoxious female in me demands more reasons. Jeep Man is a lot of things. He’s extremely smart, great with his hands, a good dad and really ferking hot. But good with words, he is not. To him, answering “Why do you love me?” with “I just do.” is good enough. And I really need to kick Obnoxious Female in the head a time or two, because she just can’t seem to be satisfied with that answer.

Jeep Man has a lot of jobs, and as a spouse one of which is to share his love with me. Just like that’s one of my jobs. I have to admit that lately we both really suck at it. And it’s not even our choice. Of course we love each other. I can’t imagine any other man in my life. But something just isn’t clicking there. We point out things to each other that annoy us, when we used to just take those annoying things as the “worse” part in “for better or worse”. But somewhere along the way, we forgot to push aside the reactions to the annoying things.

I’d like to think this happens in all relationships. Especially when at least one person sucks at communicating (guilty). The question then becomes, how do I fix it? There has to be a way, and I am determined to find it.

I’m going to take my loser, wallowing time to try and repair what I can in myself to make me feel better about myself. That’s a totally convoluted sentence, but you get the idea.

There will be times that this blog will bring the heavy. Because whether I’m feeling great, or worthless, I am a person. I have thoughts other than the randomness of my life, and writing them down is how I deal.

I have one great piece of advice that has taken me years to figure out: No matter how you feel about yourself, when someone compliments you, take it. Say ‘thank you!’ and walk away or hug them or whatever. But take that compliment straight to your heart. Because the more that you voice your doubts after the a compliment, the less you’ll hear them.

I know, because it’s happened to me. And while it’s really, really easy to blame the other person for not complimenting you enough, you really have to take the blame for this one. Because how do you compliment someone when they never appreciate what you’re saying? How many times can you say “You look amazing.” and hear “Ugh, but I hate my hair and my pants make me look bloated and I think I’m getting a zit right here and oh. my. gawd. I’m such a fatty.” before you just stop saying it? And truthfully, once the compliments stop, it’s almost impossible to get them back. Which makes you feel worse about yourself.

So when someone is trying to lift you up, let them. Chances are, you need to be lifted up anyways and you’re not going to do it yourself. If you could, you’d have already done it.

I’m off to figure out what the ferk happened to my house. And I might even feel accomplished and stuff after.

~Dee